Kellie Coffey Walk On
News
[8/5/2007 6:36:00 PM] Kellie's Story
With the success of the video for "I would Die For That"
With the success of the video for "I would Die For That", so many have asked about my journey to being a mom. I posted this on my web page but I wanted to post it here as well....
I knew it was happening to me…but I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. I went to my writing session with my producer, Wayne Kirkpatrick, anyway. When I got there, it got worse. I was really cramping and bleeding now. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, "I think something bad is happening". He was looking at his computer trying to bring up some sounds for a song we were working on…"huh?", he said and looked up as he asked "What's wrong?" I heard myself say the words, "I think I'm having a miscarriage." He stood up and hugged me. He was very comforting but I said "I have to call my husband, Geoff, I have to go home."
I wondered if I had worked out too hard. Maybe I ate something bad. Why was this happening to me? Was I too stressed out? Did I wait too long to have a baby? I was getting hysterical. Maybe it will stop and the baby will be alright. Geoff answered the phone, "Hello?"
"It's getting worse", I blurted out, sobbing.
"Where are you?", he asked.
"I'm driving."
"I want you to calm down. Do you need to pull over?
"No. I just want to get home and lay down."
"You are closer to the doctor's office. Can you drive yourself there? I will meet you. You have to calm down first, though. It's going to be alright." Geoff has this way of making me feel like it's gonna be okay. He is a rock.
My career was all encompassing. It was like stepping onto a moving train. I was working so hard. I was so focused. There were two things that I wanted in life more than anything. One was to be a singer and the other was to be a mom. I kept telling myself (and my husband), we'll get pregnant after I can get established in the business, after this next single, once my second album hits retail… after I get a hold of this thing.
Like most women I wanted to have it all: a great marriage, fulfilling career and be a hands-on Mom. The reality is there is a price for everything. I knew there was discrimination involving female artists getting pregnant in the recording industry. It was looked upon as a lack of commitment. You'll lose your edge. You'll get fat and have to take a break from touring and promoting your records. My record label executives never directly said that I would be putting my career at risk by getting pregnant. However, the rampant negative comments about other female singers that were having babies made their position clear: You'll seriously damage your career. So I put it off. I didn't start my family when I wanted to… I kept working. I was touring with some of the biggest names in country music and hearing my songs on the radio but something was missing...children. I looked up and I was 32.
So, I had a choice to make and for me there really was no choice. As a newer, non-established artist I knew what I was risking but I knew what I wanted. Because I was so excited, I let it slip out at a business dinner with my manager that my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant. Within a month, my manager was gone and so was my record label. I was surprised at the speed with which I found myself on the outside. While I tried to pick up the pieces of my career, I turned most of my attention to preparing myself for motherhood, at least the getting pregnant part. I read everything there was to read. Mostly, I worried that somehow it wasn't going to happen for me, that I had waited too long and I wouldn't be able to conceive. It wasn't rational but it was a real fear. After a year of trying, it all poured out in a songwriting session. I laid my soul bare with my co-writers. Within a couple of hours we had written, "I would die for that". I wasn't sure I could ever sing it in public because it made me cry every time I just read the lyric.
The amazing thing was that I found out I was pregnant within a few days after writing the song. My husband and I started dreaming about a child. Was it a girl or a boy? What would we name him or her? I was walking on a cloud. I poured myself back into my songwriting with a vengeance. I could have it all and it was full speed ahead. Then came the worst day of my life. Sobbing while I drove myself to my doctor's office. I kept saying out loud "No. This can't be happening to me. I already love this baby." Within a few days, we left for Oklahoma to spend Thanksgiving with my family, where I had planned to tell them all I was pregnant. At least I was surrounded by my family that weekend.
It was a few months before I felt like doing anything, I was living my song even deeper. With every baby I saw, the words echoed. "I Would Die For That". The pain in those words turned slowly but surely to inspiration. I had the heart to try again and by February, I was pregnant.
My doctor assured me that nothing I did caused my miscarriage. Still, I decided not to try to be superwoman during this pregnancy. I slowed down. Having this baby was the most important thing in my life. "I Would Die For That". Not only did I not want to do anything to put the pregnancy at risk, I wanted to enjoy it. A few months into my pregnancy, I started writing and recording again and it felt different. The songs came from a deeper place. It was as if I was being reborn as an artist and as a person as my baby grew inside me. Most of the final vocals and many of the songs on my album Walk On were written and recorded while I was pregnant.
In November 2005, I gave birth to my son. The lyrics of the song, "I Would Die For That" still echo and feel real each time I sing the song. Now when I sing it, it's filled less with a haunting personal desperation and more with a complete understanding and empathy for the women who are still on that journey and have endured far more pain than I have. While I am still an artist and still pursuing my career, I now know that there is nothing more precious to me than my son and I was right, "I would die for that."
Kellie
I knew it was happening to me…but I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. I went to my writing session with my producer, Wayne Kirkpatrick, anyway. When I got there, it got worse. I was really cramping and bleeding now. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, "I think something bad is happening". He was looking at his computer trying to bring up some sounds for a song we were working on…"huh?", he said and looked up as he asked "What's wrong?" I heard myself say the words, "I think I'm having a miscarriage." He stood up and hugged me. He was very comforting but I said "I have to call my husband, Geoff, I have to go home."
I wondered if I had worked out too hard. Maybe I ate something bad. Why was this happening to me? Was I too stressed out? Did I wait too long to have a baby? I was getting hysterical. Maybe it will stop and the baby will be alright. Geoff answered the phone, "Hello?"
"It's getting worse", I blurted out, sobbing.
"Where are you?", he asked.
"I'm driving."
"I want you to calm down. Do you need to pull over?
"No. I just want to get home and lay down."
"You are closer to the doctor's office. Can you drive yourself there? I will meet you. You have to calm down first, though. It's going to be alright." Geoff has this way of making me feel like it's gonna be okay. He is a rock.
My career was all encompassing. It was like stepping onto a moving train. I was working so hard. I was so focused. There were two things that I wanted in life more than anything. One was to be a singer and the other was to be a mom. I kept telling myself (and my husband), we'll get pregnant after I can get established in the business, after this next single, once my second album hits retail… after I get a hold of this thing.
Like most women I wanted to have it all: a great marriage, fulfilling career and be a hands-on Mom. The reality is there is a price for everything. I knew there was discrimination involving female artists getting pregnant in the recording industry. It was looked upon as a lack of commitment. You'll lose your edge. You'll get fat and have to take a break from touring and promoting your records. My record label executives never directly said that I would be putting my career at risk by getting pregnant. However, the rampant negative comments about other female singers that were having babies made their position clear: You'll seriously damage your career. So I put it off. I didn't start my family when I wanted to… I kept working. I was touring with some of the biggest names in country music and hearing my songs on the radio but something was missing...children. I looked up and I was 32.
So, I had a choice to make and for me there really was no choice. As a newer, non-established artist I knew what I was risking but I knew what I wanted. Because I was so excited, I let it slip out at a business dinner with my manager that my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant. Within a month, my manager was gone and so was my record label. I was surprised at the speed with which I found myself on the outside. While I tried to pick up the pieces of my career, I turned most of my attention to preparing myself for motherhood, at least the getting pregnant part. I read everything there was to read. Mostly, I worried that somehow it wasn't going to happen for me, that I had waited too long and I wouldn't be able to conceive. It wasn't rational but it was a real fear. After a year of trying, it all poured out in a songwriting session. I laid my soul bare with my co-writers. Within a couple of hours we had written, "I would die for that". I wasn't sure I could ever sing it in public because it made me cry every time I just read the lyric.
The amazing thing was that I found out I was pregnant within a few days after writing the song. My husband and I started dreaming about a child. Was it a girl or a boy? What would we name him or her? I was walking on a cloud. I poured myself back into my songwriting with a vengeance. I could have it all and it was full speed ahead. Then came the worst day of my life. Sobbing while I drove myself to my doctor's office. I kept saying out loud "No. This can't be happening to me. I already love this baby." Within a few days, we left for Oklahoma to spend Thanksgiving with my family, where I had planned to tell them all I was pregnant. At least I was surrounded by my family that weekend.
It was a few months before I felt like doing anything, I was living my song even deeper. With every baby I saw, the words echoed. "I Would Die For That". The pain in those words turned slowly but surely to inspiration. I had the heart to try again and by February, I was pregnant.
My doctor assured me that nothing I did caused my miscarriage. Still, I decided not to try to be superwoman during this pregnancy. I slowed down. Having this baby was the most important thing in my life. "I Would Die For That". Not only did I not want to do anything to put the pregnancy at risk, I wanted to enjoy it. A few months into my pregnancy, I started writing and recording again and it felt different. The songs came from a deeper place. It was as if I was being reborn as an artist and as a person as my baby grew inside me. Most of the final vocals and many of the songs on my album Walk On were written and recorded while I was pregnant.
In November 2005, I gave birth to my son. The lyrics of the song, "I Would Die For That" still echo and feel real each time I sing the song. Now when I sing it, it's filled less with a haunting personal desperation and more with a complete understanding and empathy for the women who are still on that journey and have endured far more pain than I have. While I am still an artist and still pursuing my career, I now know that there is nothing more precious to me than my son and I was right, "I would die for that."
Kellie